My Secret Heart
by Nadya Lubov
Summary: Nothing leaves a more lasting impression than first love. Is it true what they say? If you truly love someone set them free, and if they come back they're yours? A woman can only hope... OOC, kenshin/battousai x Kaoru
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, just borrowing the characters.

This story is pretty OOC, so sorry about that. I'm actually writing this as a novel, but I just love the Kenshin fandom, so would love some feedback. There is some pretty explicit fluff scenes in later chapters just a warning. I hope you all enjoy, please look past the OOCness, thanks! I would love reviews! I have the first 100 pages of this written already, so it shouldn't be too long before the next update.

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CHAPTER 1:

Beep, beep, beep... Sweat forms atop my brow, and tears well in my eyes looking at the young woman in the bed below me. A mask covers her mouth and nose giving her that much needed oxygen, her breathing in sync with my own. Tangled brown hair rests like a halo surrounding her, cascading down to her breasts. The hard, plastic, brace around her neck keeps her spine aligned, caging her in place.

She can't be much older than 35, my age... She must have been a beautiful woman, even through the bruising and swelling on her cheeks and forehead, there is something remarkedly feminine about her that seems to draw you in.

Looking down at an imobiliser on her left shin, an ominous feeling takes over, remembering a similar patient from long ago. I can't place her name, but that cry... One your memory will never erase.

Noises from the various machines reverberate through my ears, and there's a man sitting beside the bed, his hand laying gently atop her own, _does he work here?_ His white lab coat is worn, disheveled, _has he been here long?_

Glancing at his striking red hair, and porcelain skin, there's a familiar aura surrounding him. "How are you and the patient related?" The words are soft coming from my lips, and he looks towards me with concern etched onto his hardened features. With amber eyes blurring slightly, his stare is intense, boring a hole through me, piercing my already aching heart.

 _Will he stop staring at me already?_ My breath catches, awakening from my stupor with the heart monitor beeping quietly behind me. Turning his back to me, my eye twitches as he looks again to the young woman resting in the hospital bed. I can't help that prickly annoyance settling in my core, _arrogant doctors..._

With respirations becoming shallow as I glance at the tele box, the woman's saturations are dropping rapidly, barely hovering above 80 percent. I reach for the oxygen gauge, but hesitate, a spark of electricity rushing through me as his hand brushes over mine, turning the knob from eight to fifteen liters.

"Kaoru..." His voice is surprisingly gentle, and my knees seem to buckle at the way he says her name. "Kaoru-dono..." There's uncertainty in his voice, a longing, as he gives her arm a nervous shake.

Her eyes flutter open, and you can feel the tension in the air dissapate as a slight smile forms on her lips, recognition dawning, creating a mosaic of blue and white beneath her lids. Her face lights up, color returning to her faded cheeks looking at him, searching. This man, a yearning buried deep, waiting so patiently, just for a glimpse of those silky cerulean eyes, for that slight upturned curve of her mouth. Relief escapes him, shattering his stony resolve.

She glances over at me, and the smile fades, eyes rolling back into darkness as high pitched beeping makes my hands tremble. Her rhythm is a jumbled mess as numbers dance around the screen, blinking, and taunting me. A black cloud fills the room, as if the reaper himself has come.

175... 176...

177... 178...

179... 180...

"V-fib..." Whispering, my heart clenches as I hear a choked, "Kaoru... Kaoru..." Roughly shaking her slender arm, blood dribbles from her mouth as she coughs. I glance at the monitor once more as death seems to be calling, BEEEEEEEEP, "Asystole..." The word a muffled sob, stealing my breath away.

Desperation takes over as the man frantically rubs his knuckles on her chest with no response, and it feels as if the world around me is crumbling. My heart aches for this man, maybe moreso than the woman dying in that bed.

Rushing, he checks for a pulse. Hours it seems go by, but in reality only seconds... "HELP! CODE BLUE!" His voice is strangely sexy as he pulls the emergency cord from the wall, and hits the CPR button on the bed, creating a hard surface underneath the body. _Is that what she is? Just a body..._ I can't help the thought as I try to catch a ragged breath.

You can see the urgency in the man's movements as he places the heels of his palms on the woman's chest. Like a vice, my heart aches as I hear "one, two, three..." in sequence with each compression.

Unsure as to why, the scene has me caught in a haze, mesmerized at the desperate, yet steady rising and falling of his broad shoulders. Glancing at his face, moisture forms in his eyes, and I seem to melt into the background as a team of doctors and nurses rush into the room.

"Eight... Nine... Ten..." His voice soothing to my soul, a sound I will never forget. My eyes close, clouded by something as an unbearable sadness takes over, "15... 16... 17..." A heavy weight presses on my chest. This isn't my first code, but my body doesn't want to move, stuck in this spot, "26... 27... 28..."

After two more compressions, he pauses as someone else uses the ambu bag. "Come on," his voice an edgy baritone. Somehow, I know this man doesn't believe in a higher power, but the simple word "please," escapes his tired lips. Another whisper, almost inaudible, "please..." Followed by more compressions, "one... Two... Three... Four... Five..." His voice a beautiful echo in the back of my mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Kenshin, just borrowing the characters.

Just a note, you will find out later what's going on in the first chapter, and who that woman is. Thanks for pointing out the eye color haha, I was posting this late last night, and kind of got lazy in the editing department. The first half of this story is actually based on my own experience. Anywho, thanks for reading! Oh yeah, once again I appologize for the OOCness, but still a great read I think. I'd love reviews ^_^x

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CHAPTER 2

 ** _Spring of freshman year..._**

 _Like a cord, my heart is strung. Each day, idling in thoughts of what could have been, what should have bee_ _n done..._

Cold, and stale is the classroom as I find an open seat near the back, next to one of the boys from Meg's class. "Hey." Heart pumping wildly, looking into the deepest brown and violet I've ever seen. A silky chocolate inviting you in for a taste.

"I'm Ken." Coming back to reality, his voice is such a wonderful sound. "You're Meg's younger sister right?"

"Yeah, I'm a feshman." Thinking a moment, a teasing smile hits my lips, "why are you taking this test anyway?" Sticking out my tongue, "aren't you a senior?" I'm not really sure why I would even flirt with such a boy. Freshman girls don't date seniors, _as if I would be lucky enough to snag one._ Hah, a silent laugh, but I grin looking like an idiot anyway.

"I just need to get this math credit to graduate." His smile is broad as I take in his perfectly cream skin and dark hair, a blazing red reflecting off the fluorescents up above. Wearing a blue flannel and kakhi pants, "I'm taking some college classes already, I just need this so I can get into some other courses next year." I can't help smirking, _he must be pretty smart._ For some reason I find that insanely attractive.

"That's cool," I can't help that nervous feeling in my chest, blushing, I look down at the test paper on my desk. "Well, good luck." I smile as the teacher tells us to begin. After almost an hour of questions dealing with equations and fractions, Ken turns in his paper, sitting back down. Grinning again, I also turn in my sheet, _so it was a race?_ I can't stop the silent chuckle, _like he would be racing me in a math test._

My heart aches as the bell rings and he grabs his black bookbag. "I'm Kaoru by the way," I grin.

"I know," he smiles back.

"Well, I'll see you around." _He was kind of cute_ , the thought flows through my mind on the way out the door.

Students rush by as I stand near my locker. The warning bell chimes indicating only a couple minutes are left before we are late for class. I find myself waiting here every day hoping to catch sight of him through the corner of my eye. I shouldn't even bother liking such a boy, but, I can't help it I suppose, a young girl's heart is such a tender thing.

Maybe some would consider him a nerd with his rounded, thick glasses, but not me. Something about him makes me want to learn more, _would he let me get into that head of his?_

Even though he is an acquaintance of Megumi's, my older sister, maybe it's the fact that he's three years older... But, there's other boys from her class... _There he is,_ I grin to myself and turn back towards my friends, heading to my keyboarding class.

"Ok everyone, whoever is in the first seat of each row is the leader..." Her words become jumbled, and I can't understand, daydreaming of violet eyes and porcelain skin. Ms. Bernstein's red hair is tied in a loose bun atop her head, and square glasses hover over a button nose. _Did she say something about people being first?..._ I berate myself after realizing that I, of course, decided to pick the chair closest to the door.

Looking at the typed page in front of me, my fingers place themselves on the keys. There's really nothing to it at all, but for some reason other kids in the class can't seem to type faster than 55 words a minute. Looking around, I see the leader in the row next to me, a tiny cheerleader named Amber. With her perfectly cut blonde hair, and designer jeans. Oh how I want to beat her at this game, I laugh to myself. Piece of cake...

She's really a sweet girl, just, there's always something about cheerleaders, aren't they the popular ones? It's nice to be better at something, even if it's something as simple as quick typing. "Ready..." Ms. Bernstein pauses, "go." And the barrage of clicking begins. I finish the page quickly, grinning to have finished before the other team leaders. The last few lines of text float into my mind.

 _"No matter how long it takes,_

 _True love is always worth the wait."_

 _\- Anonymous_

My eyes take in the verse, _Mrs. Bernstein must have some kind of unrequited lover..._ I giggle to myself before the bell rings taking me from my thoughts, indicating the class is over. "OK class, you will get your grades tomorrow," I rush out before the teacher has a chance to say anything else, it's just an elective anyway, and I have more important things to do, like see if Ken is around.

"Hey Kaoru," a tall boy meets me at my locker. He's in the kendo program at some local place in town.

"Hey, what's up?" I'm not sure why, but I decided to dress in all black today. With flared out black dress pants, a black halter, and laced black cover shirt... I know exactly why as I glance behind the boy in front on me, looking down the hall.

"Want to see a movie Saturday?"

"Um," _is he asking me out?_ A slight blush creeps onto my cheeks. This isn't the first time anyone has asked me, but it's still flattering even if the thought never once crossed my mind. "I'm not sure, I have to ask my parents." The old copout. "I might have to work that day, I have to check first."

"OK sure," he smiles wide and hands me his planner, an ugly green notebook with gold seams, our school colors. "Write down your number, and I'll call you later."

"Um," my hand hovers over the book, purple gel pen between my fingers. "Sure..." I scrawl my name and number onto the page, covering the gaudy, faded yellow Spartan head on the top, "right, ok, sure." I blush, and walk towards art class. _What was his name again?_

The month went by quickly, and I was starting to like Shishio, the tall brunette, we had gone on a couple dates already. Opening my locker, a trifold note falls out.

 _Let's meet in the parking lot after school. -Shishio_

Feeling adventurous, _what a rebel_ , I muse while putting some sparkled pink lip gloss on. The last bell rings, and I make my way to the back of the school, where my blue bike is parked. "Hey," I say as I see his strong frame waiting by the metal rack.

"What's up?" I ask, and he edges his way toward me. I can't help my feet shuffling backward, tapping the brick wall behind me. His breath is hot on my neck, and I can feel the blood draining like a siev.

"You know," a pause, "we've been dating about a month now." My face pales as he kisses my neck, giving me goosebumps, leaving a sick feeling in my gut. "All my other girlfriends have put out after three dates..."

"Shishio," my throat dry, "I'm not other girls." I push him away slightly with my small arms, but he reaches forward, his lips fierce against mine.

With all the strength I can manage, my hands push him away, "GET OFF ME!" He takes a step back, a puzzled look on his face. _Who does he think he is?!_

Like a giant towering over me, the bridge of my nose reddens on its own, "I'm sorry," a tiny hush. My face hardens, and I move him back again, "IT'S OVER!"

My fists clench on their own with adrenalin pumping as my head tilts to the side. "FINE!" He yells, and I breathe a sigh of relief while he turns on his heels to walk back into the school. Slim fingers shakily fumble with the combination lock, releasing the bike from its shackles. Needless to say, Shishio never bothered me again after that.

Months seem to fly until Meg finally graduates with two more boys coming in and out of my life like specks of dust floating in the wind. My heart sinks for a moment, just now realizing how fast freshman year really went, and only stealing glimpses of my secret crush. Shaking my head, I grin looking at my final report card, _all A's of course_ , I chuckle.

It has come to the end of the first semester of sophomore year already, and I feel a giddy rush as I ask, "what time are we going?" My older sister, Casey, is hosting a going away party for one of our friends, and a few people from Meg's graduating class might show up.

Meg's brown locks lay straight against her back. "Are you ready now? Let's go." She laughs and we get into my parents old grey ford with dad at the wheel.

I don't really know why I decided to come to this party, but in the deep recesses of my mind, I do know... This might be the only chance to see Ken again. Even with his thick glasses, and slender frame, I still find him undeniably attractive. But, he had just finished his four years, and my sentence had only just begun. High school sophomores don't date people in college, I'm sure my parents would kill me if they knew I had a thing for one of my sister's old classmates.

But, Ken was never the jock type... More like a Clark Kent. There was something hidden beneath that mask of genius, and I find myself needing to discover exactly what that is. It's not even his real name, just a nickname I've become accustomed to calling him, Ken, because the real thing is far more beautiful than I could ever pronounce.

Laughter fills the room as I make my way to the couch, and I see him from the corner of my eye. Trying to ignore that feeling of excitement running through me, a high pitched "it was pretty cool of your sister to have it at her place." I nod, laughing, not really paying attention to the hefty blonde in front of me.

My cheeks blush on there own as I glance again at Ken, who is making his way over. I can't help the giggle at his tucked in flannel and blue jeans. With heart racing, my head turns quickly, "yeah, Casey's pretty cool." I never really gave much thought as to why someone ten years older would want to hang out with a bunch of teenagers, probably just another reason to spend time with her younger sisters.

Goosebumps form on my shoulder before I feel a gentle tap, "hi." With head down slightly, cheeks red I'm sure, my chin tilts up and those amber eyes have me caught. A moment goes by before the cobwebs clear from my throat, "hi," it comes out as a whisper, and his smile makes everyone else in the room seem to disappear.

"I didn't think I'd get to see you again," his voice a rich melody, and I can't help grinning like a fool. "I'm glad you could come," my cheeks must be bright red by now.

"I just got here." I mumble, grinning cheekily. _Should I have put makeup on?_ I berate myself, dressed in slim fitting jeans, and a form hugging, pale yellow, shirt with a cute tweety bird on the front.

"So, what are you studying? You go to UB right?" Making small talk, I ask.

"I'm going pre-med." _Wow, smart, just like I thought._ I must seem like a total child to him right now, I can't stop blushing! "That's cool, I'm not sure what I want to go for when I go to college, theater maybe..." I mentally slap myself, _who goes to school for acting?_

"You definitely could... You're..." Hesitating a moment, "very beautiful." I almost melt at his words, _wow that's so cheesy_ , I think, but God it's sexy rolling off that tongue of his. "Thanks," it comes out soft, a whisper almost.

After a few hours, "I actually have to get going," my heart sinks, "I'm supposed to meet some friends for bowling."

"Oh," I blush, cheeks warm, "I'll see you," a pause, "some other time then." In my gut I have a horrible feeling I might never get a chance to see him again. _He's in a totally different league than me_ , I sulk, but put on that silly smile of mine.

Waving goodbye to everyone, his figure exits from the corner of my eye, _I guess that's it_ , I think, shaking off the sudden feeling of loss that has come over me. "Come over here Kaoru," my friend Kim says, her short, dirty blonde hair framing a bright smile on her face, "I'm leaving tomorrow!" Laughing, I go back to the party, right, he's just a boy.

It must have been a couple hours before almost half the people leave, many have other parties to attend. Looking around, I should be happy with my sisters and their boyfriends here, but... I plop myself on the couch while everyone else is in Casey's room laughing and doing who knows what. Grabbing one of my favorite books, William Goldman's, The Princess Bride, _hah,_ some party, I laugh to myself, _I'm such a dork!_

Getting lost in the pages, the binding worn from wear. I skim to one of my favorite parts where Westley declares his love...

 _"Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand mine would be a universe of beaches."_

Having read this book at least a dozen times, I can read and reread this part forever it seems, and it never gets old. Butterflies flutter through my chest, ribs aching, _could someone ever love me like that?_

Dozing and reading at the same time, There is a knocking coming from the front door. My back straightens immediately, hope in my heart as Casey walks to the entrance. My pulse quickens as that familiar flannel shirt comes into view, _he came back!_ Tossing the book to the side, I rush around, fumbling really, not even doing anything in particular. "Hey Ken!" Casey says, "glad you came back," she winks in my direction as I try to seem casual walking over. "Oh, hey!" My face is on fire, _this is so embarrassing!_

"You must have lost really bad, huh?" Chuckling, it's really fun teasing him.

"Nah, just thought it would be more fun to hang out here with you guys." He looks into me, and my head tilts down on its own, as if my eyes would reveal some deep secret.

With a thread of hope in my veins, "want a drink?" I ask, grabbing a couple wine coolers. I shouldn't even be drinking anyway... Not only am I way too young, but after about a sip I'm done.

"Sure," he says, and I hand him the bottle.

"I'm actually allergic to alcohol," don't ask me why I would tell him something like that right away.

"Then you probably shouldn't have any." He smirks.

"I can have a little bit, a few sips." _What a total dork, who doesn't drink?_ Another mental slap in the face.

"Ok," a pause leaning toward me, "I'll keep you safe." My breath catches, that smile of his could light the sky. My face must be bright pink grinning ear to ear, "thanks."

After a few more hours pass of everyone laughing and having a good time, "you guys can sleep over if you want," Casey says. She's mine and Meg's ride home anyway, and we were planning on spending the night. I take a glance at Ken, "you don't have to if you don't want to..." My voice is shy, _are my palms sweating?_

"Maybe I'll stay a little bit longer." I can't help that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Cool," I'm such an idiot.

Somehow Ken ends up laying on Casey's bedroom floor, using a blanket for some cushion with me lying on the bed. It seems like second nature as my lithe frame becomes cuddled in the crook of his shoulder with my back towards him. Hesitant, he wraps an arm around my toned waist, his warmth engulfing my senses. I don't know why, but He feels like home, and I could stay forever in the safety of his embrace.

My spine tingles as his fingers play gently with my long strands of hair, creating a glorious melody of black silk. Unable to stop myself, my body turns on its own, the sweet scent of his cologne triggering something I've never felt before as the heat of his chest resonates through me.

Looking up at his coy smile, _can I?_ A simple thought before I find him pressing his lips against mine, the softness electrifying as the moment seems like hours. My shoulders seem to melt into his chest as he wraps his arms tighter around my waist, and I yearn for more. Pulling back, our eyes meet, _did he feel that too?_ It seems silly, but that small brush of skin... like the rushing in of waves along the tide, tickling your bare feet along its shores. A swoon just from a tiny bit of warmth from Ken's tender kiss, and my face must be beet red. I quickly try to turn, but he finds me once more, pushing deeper, reaching into my soul. His tongue a soft treat as he parts my waiting lips. Pure ecstacy. I've never been very religious, but God, how I want more.

I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but I'll never forget the feel of his body pressed against mine as his arms secure themselves around me, holding me in place. With the soothing rise and fall of his chest our breathing becomes one. My head nestles on its own into the warmth of his strong shoulders, never wanting this moment to end.

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It's been a week since the party, and I still haven't heard from Ken. Like a rush my cheeks flush just with the thought of him. _I'm only fifteen though... But... It's just three years..._ The thought runs through my mind for an instant before a high pitched BRING BRING takes my head out from the clouds.

"Hello?" I ask after only one ring.

"Hi," my voice catches, "is Kaoru there?" That rugged sound sends shivers of delight up my spine.

"Oh hi!" It comes as a squeal, cringing, my palm taps my forehead.

"Hey, it's Kenshin."

"Hey... how have you been?" Do I sound like a complete idiot? "Hold on a second OK?" I put the phone on the kitchen table, and grab the cordless. Turning the clunky machine on with a small beep, "are you there?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, hang on," I slam the phone onto the wall receiver, cord dangling ferociously as I grimace, _oops._ With the cordless in hand, my legs race upstairs, closing my bedroom door behind me. "OK I'm back," can he see my smile through the phone?

"So, how have you been?" He asks.

"Pretty good, just doing school work."

"What are you studying?"

"I've got a math test coming up next week," I hesitate.

"Oh, I have some studying to do too..." A pause, the wind knocked out of him.

"But I should be good, I've always been pretty good at math." I chime in.

"We could always study together some time if you want... I'm taking anatomy and micro right now." My cheeks flush as we talk about our studies, our dreams. "It would be pretty cool to win an Oscar I think... To be able to make someone cry or laugh on screen. I always wanted to be a singer or actor... I don't know, we'll see." Such a silly dream.

"I want to be a surgeon."

"Wow, that's pretty amazing... I was never really good with science. What kind of doctor?" I ask.

"An orthopedic surgeon."

Hoping my embarrassment doesn't show through the phone, "what kind of doctor is that?"

"A bone doctor." I can tell he's smiling. _He's pretty cute,_ I grin to myself.

I glance at the clock, and am shocked to see that it's midnight already. We've been talking for four hours! "I think I better get going," a pause, "it's getting pretty late."

"Want to maybe go see a movie this weekend?" He blurts, and my mind screams with joy. Cheeks sore from smiling, "sure, that sounds fun!"

"I'll pick you up around five on Friday, is that ok?" He asks, as if I would say no.

"Sure, I'll see you then." I push the OFF button on the cordless, the phone warm from being used for so long. With a plop, my head falls onto the pillow as if my mind could be anymore stuck in the clouds. With a rediculous smile plastered on my face, I wonder if he is feeling the same.

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Just a note, please just bare with the whole Kaoru calling Kenshin Ken thing. In this story Kaoru is more of an American girl while Kenshin is more of a foreigner. Like I said, this is based on my own experience ha, so that's just the way it is. Reviews are appreciated, thanks!


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